Ugh. Damn Diabetes.

I just poured my heart out about all of my anger regarding my diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes, then deleted it accidentally. I don't know if I have it in me to type that part again...  Basically, I was really really pissed at myself and the world when I received my diagnosis back in September.  And I cried a lot.  (Poor Bill had to listen to that part... Sorry, Babe.  I love you all the more for being so constantly patient.)  I wasn't obese and I was in the middle of training for a half-marathon.  Let's just go from there...

Sooo, when the doctor told me to cut my carbs in half to see what it would do to my blood glucose levels, I really wanted to do just that. I really wanted to keep eating my favorite foods in moderation.  I really didn't want everyone to know I had Type 2 Diabetes.  And I especially did not enjoy the idea of taking insulin. I had already received my lifetime sentence of taking Metformin daily (to control my liver's urge to dump glucose into my body and make my cells more sensitive to the reduced amount of insulin my pancreas so lovingly still produces).  I was told that if I could lower my A1C (remember those PSAs you heard not long ago?) to around 7 in 90 days, I could skip the insulin for a while.  My A1C was 9.1 and the best ways to lower it are to either lose weight or lower your blood sugar consistently or do both.  I didn't listen to my doctor and I worked my ass off to get it down to 6.9 in just over 2 months.  After another month, which included holidays, it was only up to 7.

I don't think I fit the typical profile of someone with Type 2 Diabetes.  It doesn't run in my family.  I'm active. At my heaviest, just after Cami was born in 2000, I weighed 186.  I haven't weighed that since around the end of 2001.  Right now, I weigh less than I have since my early 20s.  Most people (even medical professionals) say, "You have Diabetes? Your not... well, you're just not who I thought would get it." They might even ask, "Are you sure? How do you know?" Then they give me that tight-lipped half-smile that you get when people feel sorry for you and don't know what to say. I know they're caring because I've given that same look to people before when bad news hit. I feel like I need to soothe them somehow, "It's okay. I don't have to take insulin or anything like that. I control it through my diet." Smile. Hug. "It really is fine. I can eat just about anything in moderation." Because who really wants to hear about all this crap?  I know I don't.

(In fact, feel free to stop reading any time. I truly won't be offended... I won't even know!)

Which leads me to this... I've completely stopped tracking my blood sugar levels unless I feel like something's wrong. For example, today I checked and it was 242. That's with eating healthy yesterday, skipping breakfast today, and eating a low-carb healthy lunch. *insert "Ugh!" here*  I couldn't believe it. That means my A1C is probably creeping up again to a number well above 7. When I say I worked my ass off to get that number down, I mean it. It pretty much consumed all of my free time--researching, making menus, creating a spreadsheet to count carbs in each food I love, making changes to my favorite recipes, worrying, crying, yelling. Then, as my doctor predicted (damn it, I hate when he's right) I got tired of doing it, so I stopped.

I have no idea what my A1C is now because I'm avoiding the test. That's right. I'm avoiding the test.

I've only known about my Diabetes for a few months and I'm already tired of talking about it, thinking about it, planning around it, poking my my fingers to check for it, blah, blah, blah.  I don't say that to make anyone feel sorry for me.  In fact, please don't give me your sympathy (read back a couple of paragraphs).  Just know that even though I'm feeling okay with it more often these days, I still have days like today when I feel really pissed off and whiny.  I feel like screaming, "Get out! Go away! Fuck you if you think you're going to control me!!" Then I realize that, right now, the Diabetes is in control.  Honestly, it always will be because it will always dictate what, how, and when I eat.

What can happen if I don't control it?  Well, nothing immediately, except that when my glucose levels are too low or too high I feel pretty crappy--dry mouth, headaches, lethargy.  I would just go on living my life like I always had before.  It's one of those diseases that people don't really realize unless you tell them or they notice you eating differently or something.  Then, one day, in the near or the distant future, I would notice little changes... my feet and hands would start feeling cold all the time and some of my toes or fingers might be numb.  I might get a sore on my leg that wouldn't heal.  My blood pressure and cholesterol would both be elevated.  I would probably have vision problems due to retinal nerve damage.  Think of it like my blood turning into thick sugar-syrup.  Imagine that trying to make it through narrow arteries, veins, and capillaries.  Stroke and heart disease are both more likely with Diabetes.  Also, I could miss out on being able to play with my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  I could miss out on spending more years with Bill--something I wouldn't want to miss for anything.

Why am I telling you, dear blog-reader, about this? Because I have to be held accountable. If I'm not posting here, it's probably because I'm not eating like I should. I ate a reasonable supper tonight and right this moment, my blood glucose is right around 140, which is higher than yours might be if you ate the same thing, but not too shabby for me.  Considering that it was over 100 points higher than that earlier today, I'm pretty proud of myself.  It proves that I can do something about this crazy disease.  It doesn't mean that every item on every plate for every meal every day has to be "diabetic friendly."  It means that, more often than not, I need to eat well, avoid refined sugar and flour, and think about what I'm putting in my body.  Don't expect to see me declining the Red Velvet Cheesecake that Cami requests for her birthday or the chance to share Sushi with Logan or the delicious Sweet William Blossom Boutique apples that Janet brings me... but I can make better choices for myself every day that will include better choices for the people I love.

I recently read this statement on someone's blog: "Well-controlled Diabetes is the leading cause of nothing."  So, Diabetes, get your ass ready. I'm going to keep kicking it!